Category Archives: Random Thoughts & Gratitude

Swimming against my own currents

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I’d always be real here. About myself, my life, my goals, dreams and failures.

Then, I got caught up, as usual, censoring myself. Worrying about who would read it, what if it was someone from my off-line life and they got mad, or offended, etc.

I got so caught up in that, I nearly stopped blogging completely again. Instead, I’ve been keeping a journal, but I have to admit, I really don’t get the same kind of satisfaction from it that I do from blogging.

The truth is, I don’t blog with the intention of hurting, embarrassing, public shaming or anything like that. It’s one of the reasons I write under a pen-name (you didn’t really think my name was Fae Moon, did you?), although there are a few people in my life that know about this blog.

But, I do have problems, just like everyone else and I’m one of those people that can often work out their problems by writing about it. Sometimes, I even see that I’m wrong or over-reacting when I write.

That being said, I’ve been in turmoil for a while now. Since my mom died, I have felt as though my life has fallen apart, attempted to rebuild, and fallen apart again, repeatedly.

I keep telling myself that it is all a part of whatever the Goddess and God have planned for me, that there are lessons to be learned, etc, and I’m sure that’s true, but in all honesty, it’s been hard and quite painful and I have been experiencing a bit of a crisis of faith.

Having people reenter my life, who were unaware of my spiritual beliefs and largely unfamiliar with Paganism in general, has caused a need to define my beliefs in ways I never had before. There have been questions that I’ve struggled to answer because of the shaky ground my faith was on after my mom’s passing and also because I’d never been asked to define my beliefs.

As I always say though, nearly every situation in life holds some kind of lesson and it’s taken me a while to figure out what that one was.

What I learned in months of retrospective thought, was that my beliefs are very fluid. Maybe it’s the Pisces in me, maybe it’s the constant effort I make to remain open-minded, but whatever the cause, my beliefs, especially when held side-by-side with another religion, are ever-changing. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always considered myself “eclectic Pagan”.

My beliefs shift and flow with new perspectives, new information, my lifestyle choices and my view of the world around me. My personal life experiences also alter my beliefs.

I suppose I see my spirituality in varying shades of grey, rather than in black and white.

Very little seems to be barred from this ebb and flow, but there are a few things that remain constant with me.

I do believe that all gods are one God, regardless of how you choose to express it or what name you give it. God and Goddess to me are simply expressions of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine found in all of life.

I tend to lean towards “Goddess Worship” simply because I am female and seem to naturally be drawn to the feminine side of things, as is evident in my life of what is considered the more “feminine arts”, like Domestic Witchcraft.

Part of the reason I put my clergy classes on hold was because of the spiritual crisis I was dealing with.

It seems that for years, everyone I knew who was Pagan, looked to me to be some kind of spiritual leader in their lives. I chose to take the classes in an effort to fulfill that role, but it was a role I never asked for, and truthfully, never really wanted.

After doing some soul-searching, I have decided that I will eventually start taking some classes again, but I will not be taking clergy classes.

There were a number of classes that appealed to me, such as herbalism and totem spirits, but being a spiritual leader isn’t my path. I see that now.

I think I prefer the quieter, more personal, and practical, practices.

I’ve come to the decision recently in my life in general, that I often cannot be what other people seem to need me to be. I can only be myself, complete with flaws and idiosyncrasies unique only to me.

I’ve grown tired of attempts of people-pleasing since I seem to rarely please anyone, including myself, by doing it.

The things that matter most to me are my home, my health and my little family. I’ve come to realize recently that I need a lot less than I once thought I did.

Right now, my focus needs to be on me, not on everyone else and what they need from me. If I can’t take care of me, then I sure can’t take care of anyone else.

This has led me to ask myself what is important to me and my own growth. One of the things I’ve recently examined was this blog and the Facebook page for it. I debated on if I should continue it or not and after a lot of thought, I’ve decided that whatever else it is, I do get something from it on a personal level. Having somewhere to talk out what’s in my heart and head is important to me. Having somewhere to discuss my life and the things in it is important to me. Call it free therapy if you want, but there is a healing quality for me in writing. It does help me sort out my thoughts and feelings, and often it helps me see things more clearly than I do without it.

So, hopefully I will be here writing more than I have been. I’m not sure what direction it will take other than me just sharing my life and for now, that’s enough for me.

Blessings,

Fae Moon

Cause I’m a problem solver…

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This whole thing with the RV has had me nervous.  Yes, we’ve been making the payments and we’ve now filed our taxes, but we were still unsure about a lot of things, like how the hell we were going to get it moved from where it is to where we are so that we can do the work we need to do to it.

The search for a truck big enough to haul the camper within our price range has not gone so great.  I’ve been worried about gas mileage in a truck as well since it’s already costing me an arm and a leg to get Draco back and forth to work in my car.  I’ve also been concerned about the safety of having Wee Witch’s car-seat in a truck.  Would our insurance go up?  Do we even have to cover it?  All that and more.

I’ve managed to find solutions to most of the questions this morning, and I’m thankful that it seems like everything is working out well.

I found out that our local Home Depot rents trucks, so I will simply rent a truck from them to move the camper when I need to move it.  That means that I can find a car, which will be cheaper, better on gas and will have a true backseat for the car-seat.

Although I will need to register and tag it through the DMV, I won’t have to have separate coverage on it on my

insurance because my liability insurance should extend to cover the camper when we’re moving it.  All of this is great news to me.

Also, this past weekend was Tiger’s birthday party and we went down the day before and spent the night.  While we were there, conversation eventually turned to the camper and our plans for that.  We got to talking about me wanting to learn to can and all of that.  Tiger, apparently, has canned before and knows at least SOME of what she’s doing and said that she wants to start doing it again, too and suggested I come to her house to do my canning and we’ll do it together!  That means I may have to transport stuff back and forth to her house when we’re doing it, but I won’t have worry about how to set it up in my limited space in the RV!

I guess this is what the Goddess means for us to do.  Every time I think there is a road block we can’t get around with it, a solution presents itself to whatever the problem is (so far anyway).

The tax check should be here by the end of the week, so by next weekend, I should have the RV sitting in the back yard with us living in it while we get it ready to go to the park.

Also, I made arrangements last night for 2 mopeds.  One belongs to Chicklet, who has been trying to figure out how to buy my car from me when we get ready to buy something else, so I made arrangements last night for her to use her moped as a down payment.  Then A brought home an E-Bicycle, which is basically an electric moped, and we’re

Electric Moped 06

Electric Moped 06 (Photo credit: FastOlly)

 

going to buy it from him until we can find a decent gas-powered one.  That will give us 3 vehicles.  A car for shopping and spending time with the grand-baby and a moped each for day to day stuff, which will save us on gas but

keep us from feeling trapped at home all the time.

It looks like this is really going to happen (although I’m a little worried about the weather at the moment and how that’s going to effect us getting the camper over here…they say a major winter storm is supposed to hit us tomorrow and it’s going to get bad from then till Thursday).  I’m nervous and excited all at the same time and wishing like crazy that the check would hit before the weather does so I’d at least have my house here before it starts.

So, that’s what’s going on in the Tiny Hearth at the moment.

Are you being impacted by the weather where you live?

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Random Thoughts ~ Watching my world unthaw

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As many of you have probably heard already, the deep south was hit with a winter storm yesterday that paralyzed several states as it made its way across the south.  Draco and I live in one of those states that are unaccustomed to seeing much winter weather.

Yesterday evening, I made the (normally) half hour trip to take him to work.  It took me almost an hour to get him there and more than that to get back home, amid ice, snow and sliding cars.  Making the trip back to pick him up at 4:30 am was even more treacherous.  There wasn’t as much traffic, but there were cars off the side of the road everywhere and black ice covered almost the entire stretch from our house to his work.

This morning, the sun is shining and the world is beginning the process of melting off the winter cloak that we see so rarely in the south.

If I had a decent camera on my phone, I’d have taken some pictures, but a good phone is one of the many things awaiting the tax return check.

It’s hard to believe that Imbolc is right around the corner.  I’ve been trying to pin myself down to write a post about the upcoming holiday, but it’s been so cold that it’s hard to think about warmth right now and the post has sat undone so far.  I’m hoping to get it up before the holiday since I know we will be celebrating it in our own way, cold or not.

For today though, I believe it will sit yet again as I watch my world thaw and recover and hopefully I’ll be able to “get in the zone” to write it before the weekend.

I hope you are all safe, warm and happy.

Blessings,

Fae Moon

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Random Thoughts & Gratitude

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I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, but I do take the time to think about the types of energies I want to try to focus on most in the coming year.  This year, one of the main things I wanted to work with was gratitude, or “an attitude of gratitude”.  I wanted to try to focus on finding at least one thing in each day to feel grateful for, no matter how small or insignificant.

These posts won’t be scheduled for a particular day.  I’ll post them when I have free moments and an “attitude of gratitude” or maybe just a stray thought hits me.

Today, I’m sharing one of those “little thing” gratitude moments.

I spent what felt like most of the day in the car.  Up at 5 am picking up Draco from work, out at dinner-time picking up Witchlet and taking her to her doctor’s appointment.  Back to pick them up and run Draco to work, them home, then back home myself.

On the ride home, I was exhausted.  My brain has been in overdrive it seems like for months now and I just wanted a few moments out of my day when I didn’t really have to think, talk to anyone, or do anything except drive the car and maybe listen to the radio.

It doesn’t happen often, at least not for me, that I turn on the radio and immediately hear the first strands of a really good song.  Usually, as luck would have it, the song is almost over and the rest of what you hear for the next 15 minutes (at least) is either crappy, or stuff you’ve never heard before.  Today, it happened for me.

As I turn up the volume on the radio, I hear the first strands of a song from my teenage years (I’m telling my age a little here, lol).  Metallica ~ Unforgiven 2

The very next song is Puddle of Mudd ~ She Hates Me, which was popular when Draco and I were dating.

Those two were great, but just as I was getting close to home, I hear Stone Temple Pilots ~ Plush, also popular when we were dating.

I was in music heaven!  Granted, I know to some of you, you’ll probably think they’re a little less than hearts and unicorn farts, but it’s music that I love just the same, and hearing 3 songs I really liked at the end of a long day, was a moment worth a little gratitude because of it’s singular rarity!

Hope you enjoyed my Random Gratitude for today.

What are YOU grateful for?

Blessings,

Fae Moon

 

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