Category Archives: The Story of a Girl

Swimming against my own currents

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I’d always be real here. About myself, my life, my goals, dreams and failures.

Then, I got caught up, as usual, censoring myself. Worrying about who would read it, what if it was someone from my off-line life and they got mad, or offended, etc.

I got so caught up in that, I nearly stopped blogging completely again. Instead, I’ve been keeping a journal, but I have to admit, I really don’t get the same kind of satisfaction from it that I do from blogging.

The truth is, I don’t blog with the intention of hurting, embarrassing, public shaming or anything like that. It’s one of the reasons I write under a pen-name (you didn’t really think my name was Fae Moon, did you?), although there are a few people in my life that know about this blog.

But, I do have problems, just like everyone else and I’m one of those people that can often work out their problems by writing about it. Sometimes, I even see that I’m wrong or over-reacting when I write.

That being said, I’ve been in turmoil for a while now. Since my mom died, I have felt as though my life has fallen apart, attempted to rebuild, and fallen apart again, repeatedly.

I keep telling myself that it is all a part of whatever the Goddess and God have planned for me, that there are lessons to be learned, etc, and I’m sure that’s true, but in all honesty, it’s been hard and quite painful and I have been experiencing a bit of a crisis of faith.

Having people reenter my life, who were unaware of my spiritual beliefs and largely unfamiliar with Paganism in general, has caused a need to define my beliefs in ways I never had before. There have been questions that I’ve struggled to answer because of the shaky ground my faith was on after my mom’s passing and also because I’d never been asked to define my beliefs.

As I always say though, nearly every situation in life holds some kind of lesson and it’s taken me a while to figure out what that one was.

What I learned in months of retrospective thought, was that my beliefs are very fluid. Maybe it’s the Pisces in me, maybe it’s the constant effort I make to remain open-minded, but whatever the cause, my beliefs, especially when held side-by-side with another religion, are ever-changing. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always considered myself “eclectic Pagan”.

My beliefs shift and flow with new perspectives, new information, my lifestyle choices and my view of the world around me. My personal life experiences also alter my beliefs.

I suppose I see my spirituality in varying shades of grey, rather than in black and white.

Very little seems to be barred from this ebb and flow, but there are a few things that remain constant with me.

I do believe that all gods are one God, regardless of how you choose to express it or what name you give it. God and Goddess to me are simply expressions of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine found in all of life.

I tend to lean towards “Goddess Worship” simply because I am female and seem to naturally be drawn to the feminine side of things, as is evident in my life of what is considered the more “feminine arts”, like Domestic Witchcraft.

Part of the reason I put my clergy classes on hold was because of the spiritual crisis I was dealing with.

It seems that for years, everyone I knew who was Pagan, looked to me to be some kind of spiritual leader in their lives. I chose to take the classes in an effort to fulfill that role, but it was a role I never asked for, and truthfully, never really wanted.

After doing some soul-searching, I have decided that I will eventually start taking some classes again, but I will not be taking clergy classes.

There were a number of classes that appealed to me, such as herbalism and totem spirits, but being a spiritual leader isn’t my path. I see that now.

I think I prefer the quieter, more personal, and practical, practices.

I’ve come to the decision recently in my life in general, that I often cannot be what other people seem to need me to be. I can only be myself, complete with flaws and idiosyncrasies unique only to me.

I’ve grown tired of attempts of people-pleasing since I seem to rarely please anyone, including myself, by doing it.

The things that matter most to me are my home, my health and my little family. I’ve come to realize recently that I need a lot less than I once thought I did.

Right now, my focus needs to be on me, not on everyone else and what they need from me. If I can’t take care of me, then I sure can’t take care of anyone else.

This has led me to ask myself what is important to me and my own growth. One of the things I’ve recently examined was this blog and the Facebook page for it. I debated on if I should continue it or not and after a lot of thought, I’ve decided that whatever else it is, I do get something from it on a personal level. Having somewhere to talk out what’s in my heart and head is important to me. Having somewhere to discuss my life and the things in it is important to me. Call it free therapy if you want, but there is a healing quality for me in writing. It does help me sort out my thoughts and feelings, and often it helps me see things more clearly than I do without it.

So, hopefully I will be here writing more than I have been. I’m not sure what direction it will take other than me just sharing my life and for now, that’s enough for me.

Blessings,

Fae Moon

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Speed Bumps

Life is full of them, I suppose. Honestly, I guess I should be thankful that it wasn’t worse.

I haven’t said a whole lot publicly about the living situation we were moving out of to move into our camper. In truth, I did that on purpose.

This was the second time we’d lived with this person and the first time, other than a few issues with feeling like my privacy had been violated, things were pretty good.

Going back the second time turned out to be quite different and neither Draco nor I were very happy being there. That was part of the reason why we were planning to move out.

Last week, in the middle of a snow and I’ve storm, she texted me saying she thought it was time for everyone to move on.

While I agreed with the sentiment whole-heartedly, we were due to get our taxes last week as well and would have been leaving soon anyway. Something she knew.

Her timing was obviously intentional and instead of having the camper in the back yard last weekend and possibly being ready to move it this weekend, we have instead been sleeping on an air mattress in Witchlet’s living room and my camper is still sitting.

Hopefully our second check will arrive this week like the website says.

I was finally able to make arrangements with my Aunt to pull the camper to her house to get it park-ready so I’m hoping we’ll be able to move it this weekend n not have to keep staying here.

Even if I’m in someone’s yard, at least I’ll be home.

I think I mentioned it before as well, but Draco and I have decided to get mopeds and give up our car. We just can’t afford it anymore. I’m actually looking forward to it and with the temperatures reaching 70 degrees today, I’d love to go for a ride.

Unfortunately, because I still have to get my stuff moved to the camper, I can’t give up my car just yet.

That about sums up what’s been going on around here. I’m having to do everything from my phone right now though so I’m not sure how much I’ll be blogging until we get settled.

Oh, I did get Witchlet and her mate into experimenting with regrowing from scraps. She currently had 2 heads of romaine lettuce, celery, garlic and onions going. I’m so proud!

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Creeping myself out

There are two times of day when I usually sit down to blog.  Early day before Draco gets up or late at night while he’s at work.  I usually don’t write much on his days off because that is the time I devote what I am most passionate about in life, my family and good food.  But, that doesn’t mean I can’t blog while he’s at work and schedule it for the weekend, right?

 

Half the house, is day shift, the other half is night shift.  Of course, Draco and I (along with Chicklet) fall on the night shift side.  That means that I’m often the only person awake, especially late at night.

 

So, what is a lonely housewife to do in the middle of the night when her man is working and the rest of the house is sleeping?  Apparently, she watches a horror movie and scares herself silly, then sits down to blog to try to take her mind off of it and ends up blogging about it instead.

 

The movie in question is Mirrors, starring Kieffer Sutherland.  It’s an older movie (2008 according to the DVD case), but one I’d never seen all the way

Cover of "Mirrors"

through.  I had no idea that B owned it until I saw her and BF watching it earlier this evening.  (I really must raid her movie collection and see what other jems she might be hiding in there.)  Now, when I pass a reflective surface in the house, I’m refusing to look at it and every creak and crack is making me jumpy.

 

I actually had my own experience with a reflective surface some years ago, and it’s a story I would normally blog about around Samhain (Halloween for you non-pagans out there), but watching this movie got me thinking about it tonight, so I figured since I’m already creeped out with time on my hands, why not finish off the job?

 

Witchlet was 13 when I had my experience, I remember that clearly because it was the same house we lived in when we celebrated her 13th birthday (a big deal in our house), so it was around 2006, I suppose.  The house we lived in at the time was pretty old.  Our landlady had grown up in the house and she was in her 70’s back then, so I know it was at least that old.

We noticed not long after we moved in that the house just felt down-right creepy at times.  We all noticed it.  Our family and friends commented on it occasionally when they came to visit and for us, it quickly became almost daily.  Especially for me, because I was home alone a lot because Draco worked out of town during the week at the time.

Even with him out of town, and the house feeling creepier by the day, we tried to have some normalcy in our lives.  Dinner time was one of those times.  Even though he was hours away, we sat down to eat at the same time every night and talked on the phone through dinner and sometimes on into the evening.

This particular night, we had just finished dinner and I was sitting alone at the kitchen table still talking to him on the phone.  I had nothing to do other than sit there, so I was idly looking at the reflection of the kitchen in the kitchen window, which didn’t have blinds or anything on it.  You know how when it gets dark outside and you have a light on, the widow becomes like a mirror, and you can actually see pretty clearly in them.  I had a clear view of myself at the table and the room I was sitting in.

While we’re talking, I guess I was just kind of looking around the kitchen, at nothing in particular, but movement in the window caught my eye and I looked up.  Very clearly, right behind me, was a man looking back at me.  According to the reflection, he would have been standing pretty much right at my back behind my chair.  I saw him so clearly that I believed there was in intruder in the house.

I jumped up from the table and spun around to confront…nothing.  Absolutely thin air.  There was no man there.  I frantically searched the house, checking all the windows and doors (which were all closed and locked from the inside, by the way) and I was just as alone in the house as I should have been.  Only I still believe I was really alone in that house.  I don’t think I ever was from the day we moved in until the day we moved out.

That is just one story from that house.  There are more, including another sighting of the same man in another window in broad daylight while I was outside hanging laundry on the line.  He was standing in the window, inside the house, looking out at me.

Of course, with everything that happened in that house, I approached my landlady and asked her if she’d ever seen or heard anything when she lived there, or since then.  She got quiet fast and never really gave me a straight answer on the subject, which makes me think she did have something (or maybe quite a few somethings) happen when she was in that house, and she didn’t want to tell me.

We lived in that house less than a year.  When another rental of hers came open close by, we moved out of a nine room, 3 bedroom house and into a run-down 2 bedroom trailer just to be out of it, if that tells you anything about how we felt about the place.

So yeah, my movie choice tonight was probably a pretty dumb one considering all that, but I have to admit, I’m a horror movie buff for a reason.  Part of me likes to be scared.  Kind of like an adrenaline junkie, I guess.

What are YOU afraid of?

Blessings,

Fae Moon

 

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