Swimming against my own currents
When I started this blog, I promised myself that I’d always be real here. About myself, my life, my goals, dreams and failures.
Then, I got caught up, as usual, censoring myself. Worrying about who would read it, what if it was someone from my off-line life and they got mad, or offended, etc.
I got so caught up in that, I nearly stopped blogging completely again. Instead, I’ve been keeping a journal, but I have to admit, I really don’t get the same kind of satisfaction from it that I do from blogging.
The truth is, I don’t blog with the intention of hurting, embarrassing, public shaming or anything like that. It’s one of the reasons I write under a pen-name (you didn’t really think my name was Fae Moon, did you?), although there are a few people in my life that know about this blog.
But, I do have problems, just like everyone else and I’m one of those people that can often work out their problems by writing about it. Sometimes, I even see that I’m wrong or over-reacting when I write.
That being said, I’ve been in turmoil for a while now. Since my mom died, I have felt as though my life has fallen apart, attempted to rebuild, and fallen apart again, repeatedly.
I keep telling myself that it is all a part of whatever the Goddess and God have planned for me, that there are lessons to be learned, etc, and I’m sure that’s true, but in all honesty, it’s been hard and quite painful and I have been experiencing a bit of a crisis of faith.
Having people reenter my life, who were unaware of my spiritual beliefs and largely unfamiliar with Paganism in general, has caused a need to define my beliefs in ways I never had before. There have been questions that I’ve struggled to answer because of the shaky ground my faith was on after my mom’s passing and also because I’d never been asked to define my beliefs.
As I always say though, nearly every situation in life holds some kind of lesson and it’s taken me a while to figure out what that one was.
What I learned in months of retrospective thought, was that my beliefs are very fluid. Maybe it’s the Pisces in me, maybe it’s the constant effort I make to remain open-minded, but whatever the cause, my beliefs, especially when held side-by-side with another religion, are ever-changing. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always considered myself “eclectic Pagan”.
My beliefs shift and flow with new perspectives, new information, my lifestyle choices and my view of the world around me. My personal life experiences also alter my beliefs.
I suppose I see my spirituality in varying shades of grey, rather than in black and white.
Very little seems to be barred from this ebb and flow, but there are a few things that remain constant with me.
I do believe that all gods are one God, regardless of how you choose to express it or what name you give it. God and Goddess to me are simply expressions of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine found in all of life.
I tend to lean towards “Goddess Worship” simply because I am female and seem to naturally be drawn to the feminine side of things, as is evident in my life of what is considered the more “feminine arts”, like Domestic Witchcraft.
Part of the reason I put my clergy classes on hold was because of the spiritual crisis I was dealing with.
It seems that for years, everyone I knew who was Pagan, looked to me to be some kind of spiritual leader in their lives. I chose to take the classes in an effort to fulfill that role, but it was a role I never asked for, and truthfully, never really wanted.
After doing some soul-searching, I have decided that I will eventually start taking some classes again, but I will not be taking clergy classes.
There were a number of classes that appealed to me, such as herbalism and totem spirits, but being a spiritual leader isn’t my path. I see that now.
I think I prefer the quieter, more personal, and practical, practices.
I’ve come to the decision recently in my life in general, that I often cannot be what other people seem to need me to be. I can only be myself, complete with flaws and idiosyncrasies unique only to me.
I’ve grown tired of attempts of people-pleasing since I seem to rarely please anyone, including myself, by doing it.
The things that matter most to me are my home, my health and my little family. I’ve come to realize recently that I need a lot less than I once thought I did.
Right now, my focus needs to be on me, not on everyone else and what they need from me. If I can’t take care of me, then I sure can’t take care of anyone else.
This has led me to ask myself what is important to me and my own growth. One of the things I’ve recently examined was this blog and the Facebook page for it. I debated on if I should continue it or not and after a lot of thought, I’ve decided that whatever else it is, I do get something from it on a personal level. Having somewhere to talk out what’s in my heart and head is important to me. Having somewhere to discuss my life and the things in it is important to me. Call it free therapy if you want, but there is a healing quality for me in writing. It does help me sort out my thoughts and feelings, and often it helps me see things more clearly than I do without it.
So, hopefully I will be here writing more than I have been. I’m not sure what direction it will take other than me just sharing my life and for now, that’s enough for me.
Posted on April 2, 2014, in About Us, Domestic Paganism, Random Thoughts & Gratitude, The Story of a Girl and tagged blogging is an addiction I can't quit, sorting through problems, working it out. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.